Just the Rock
24 Tue, 2010 § 2 Comments
Fading away in dejection, two weeks had passed; I was still depressed, lacking appetite & the desire for human interaction. Shut the door. Block out the world, a part of me taunted. Curl into yourself & sleep.
Instead, I succumbed to another part urging me to get over it: I reached for the door knob; twisting it, I entered the world again. I had to get out. I had to live.
I had only attempted it a few times & it had been weeks — maybe even a month — since my last go. As I stepped through the doors of the climbing gym, I knew my melancholy had made me weak but I bouldered anyway. I could not hide but still needed to get away & think — no, clear my head — be alone.
That day, I only saw the plastic. I only felt my hands grasping, reaching to the next hold. I keyed into my foot pointing, toeing solidly into the wall. I felt gravity but was more aware of my body — my muscles contracting; my breath moving in rhythm. Falling never crossed my mind. I simply climbed. My heart felt happy. In that moment, only I existed.
I have found few things with which I can connect, fold myself into & become completely present. Every time I touch the rock, I am seeking the presence I found that day at the gym. Unfortunately, too often, that experience is not recaptured. I am constantly distracted by & at war with my ego. When I do find presence, I climb harder & often — though not always — with a sense of ease. More than that though, I appreciate what it offers & enjoy climbing most during these moments. It is when I do not limit myself with assumptions about the route, the grade, my own expectations…when my ego fades & I do not compare myself to other climbers…& when fear is overcome…I can simply be.
Only the rock & my body exist. I simply climb. So tuned in, it is only my subconscious reacting. Releasing my mind, I let my body connect with the rock. When there is more, I fall. When I let distractions in, I fall.
Falling is not a bad thing if you are pushing your limits. In fact, falling is even good for the ego; but when it is because of the ego, more than just falling is at stake. It taints our experiences, leading to frustration & obsession with external concerns.
I miss climbing. I miss tuning into my body…connecting with the nature of the rock & working with it rather than fighting against it. I miss finding presence through this moving meditation, taking what I learn & practicing it off the rock as well as on. I miss giving my ego a bit of a beating. 😉
It is time to get back on the rock & recapture what I have lost: to see only the rock — to see, feel & concern myself with this moment only — to gently urge myself,
Be Here Now.
What have you lost to the world? Are you ready to recapture it?